QI, Series Two [B]

Stephen Fry:
Beetle-fanciers, as you probably know, are called-

Bill Bailey:
Coleopterists.

Stephen Fry:
Very good! Coleopterists. I'll give you five points for that.

Alan Davies:
Press him on how the hell he knows that.

Bill Bailey:
Well, when I was a child, I-

Stephen Fry:
In Alan's world, knowing something is a kind of freakish, weird thing.

Bill Bailey:
Welcome to my world of knowing! The wonderful world of looking up things in books!

Stephen Fry:
[discussing rainbows] In Estonia they believe that if you point at a rainbow, your finger will fall off.

Alan Davies:
Oh, for God's sake.

Stephen Fry:
I know.

Alan Davies:
Estonians aren't stupid people, are they?

Stephen Fry:
They're not.

Sean Lock:
[holding up his fists] They're very stumpy, though.

Alan Davies:
She disguised herself as a man to sneak into the king's chamber.

Stephen Fry:
No. She was just very miffed at not being able to marry.

Sean Lock:
You sound like you're in a school play then. "She disguised herself as a man...!" You're supposed to be an actor!

Stephen Fry:
Have you never seen Jonathan Creek?

Stephen Fry:
[about woodpeckers' tongues] How does it fit into its mouth, you may wonder? Well, it has to wrap it round its brain and the back of its eye sockets. Funnily enough, woodpeckers are very popular on creationist websites, because they argue that this is such an extraordinary creature designed so fit for its purpose, and so on, that only a designer could have made it, it couldn't have evolved. Apart from everything else, when it moves, sometimes up to fifteen or sixteen times a second it beats the wood to make a hole, which is incredibly fast and generates immense forces-two hundred and fifty times more forces than an astronaut is subjected to. It's a thousand Gs. And it has these extraordinary kind of little muscles and cartilages around its brain to stop it from shattering. [suddenly laughs] If the pecker's got wood, why go for tongue, you may argue! Um … [giggles as everyone stares at him] … but it is pretty astonishing …

Jo Brand:
Could we maybe have an offshoot of this program called Quite Unnecessary? Can I be on that?

Jo Brand:
When I was a teenager, someone I knew gave their dog LSD …

Stephen Fry:
Oh, my Lord!

Jo Brand:
… It went to Glastonbury.

Stephen Fry:
Phill, one for you, I think. What goes 'woof, woof, boom'?

Phill Jupitus:
Suicidal corgi. The next Norwegian entry for the Eurovision Song Contest? [Singing.] "My heart goes woof, woof, boom."

Rich Hall:
A terrierist!

Alan Davies:
Eight hundred Americans die in a McDonald's every year.

Rich Hall:
Which one? Best to avoid that one.

Stephen Fry:
This brings us neatly to our General Ignorance round, in which we ask Alan, is this a rhetorical question?

Alan Davies:
[He thinks for a while.] No.

Stephen Fry:
Quite right.

Stephen Fry:
You don't meet many American Jeremys do you? Have you ever met one?

Jeremy Clarkson:
No it's too complicated, there's three syllables.

Stephen Fry:
What has large teeth and only one facial expression?

Bill Bailey:
Janet Street-Porter.

[Forfeit klaxon sounds]

[On the word "hello", as opposed to "hullo"]

Stephen Fry:
It just meant an expression of surprise-"Hullo, what have we got here?" "Hullo, what's this?" And we still use it in that sense.

Bill Bailey:
Do we?

Stephen Fry:
… Don't we, Bill?

Bill Bailey:
Yes, when we live our lives like 1950s detective films, yes. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say, mother, where's the milk?"

Stephen Fry:
You beast, you beast, you utter, utter, beast.

[Alan holds up his board. It says, 'sit look rub panda.']

Stephen Fry:
I don't know, it's like occupational therapy in an old people's home. Oh, hello, what have you got here?

Jimmy Carr:
[Reading his board.] 'Put smarties tubes on cats legs make them walk like a robot'.

Stephen Fry:
Brilliant. That is absolutely wonderful. He's used all his letters.

Alan Davies:
That is unbe-f***ing-lievable. It makes sense. They would walk like a robot. It's an idea. It's like giving people an idea.

Bill Bailey:
It puts this completely to shame. [He holds his up. It says, 'gay elf romp'.]

Alan Davies:
I can't even imagine how you managed to do that!

Stephen Fry:
No, I'm sure you can't, Alan.

Jimmy Carr:
It does work, actually. It's a lovely way to spend an afternoon.

Bill Bailey:
How many amoebas does it takes to change a lightbulb? One. No, two. No, four. No, eight …

Stephen Fry:
They are homophones. They do sound the same … and they hate gay people.

[After Alan incorrectly guesses that Julius Caesar was born by Caesarian section.]

Stephen Fry:
We don't know anything particularly extraordinary about his birth, we just wanted, uh, Laughing Boy [gestures to Alan] here to fall into the trap.

Stephen Fry:
How many moons does the earth have?

Alan Davies:
Two.

Stephen Fry:
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Alan Davies:
We did this last series!

Stephen Fry:
Yes, but Alan, that was last year. There have been three more discovered.

Alan Davies:
Oh, shut up!

Stephen Fry:
Do you know what "biscuit" means? What its derivation is? "Bis", meaning…

Alan Davies:
Eat, chew, bit …

Stephen Fry:
… twice …

Alan Davies:
… bite …

Stephen Fry:
… twice …

Alan Davies:
… bite, sweet, hard, coffee cup.

Stephen Fry:
…twice. [laughs] "Sweet, hard, coffee cup"?

Alan Davies:
Cup. Coffee cup accompaniment.

Stephen Fry:
[To Rich Hall on the American meaning of Biscuit] You have Biscuits and Gravy, don't you? Tell the ladies and gentlemen what that is.

Dara O'Briain:
Oh, Traveller from an arcane land.

Stephen Fry:
(As if speaking to a young child) What do your people eat?

Rich Hall:
Everything!

Alan Davies:
See what happens on this show, Dara, is he (gestures to Stephen) thinks I'm an idiot.

Dara Ó Briain:
Yeah, well you think my name is an anagram of diarrhoea, so... I'm really on their side at the moment.

Stephen Fry:
Do you know why the grass is greener in Ireland than over here?

Dara O'Briain:
Uhm, it's because of lime stone?

Stephen Fry:
No, because you're all over here walking on ours.

Stephen Fry:
What's the collective noun for a group of baboons?

Rich Hall:
The Pentagon.

Arthur Smith:
Here's a quite interesting fact: as we know, at the end of a marvellous performance, when we see a live show, and you think it's fabulous and you want more, you shout, "Encore" …

Stephen Fry:
Yes …

Arthur Smith:
Do you know what the French shout?

Stephen Fry:
"Bis"?

Arthur Smith:
Oh yeah, you do know.

Stephen Fry:
Honeybees have evolved a complex language to tell each other where the best nectar is, using the sun as a reference point. Amazingly, they can also do this on overcast days and at night by calculating the position of the sun on the other side of the world. This means they can actually learn and store information despite the-

Alan Davies:
Has it occurred to you that they may not be using the sun? That whoever has worked that out is wrong? He's now said, "Even if you can't see it or it's on the other side of the world, they still use it." And these bees are thinking, "No, we don't! We just remember where we live!" Why is it so remarkable that they know where they live?

Stephen Fry:
… Well, because they have only 950,000 neurons, as opposed to our 10,000,000,000 neurons in our brains.

Alan Davies:
But they've only got one thing to remember-where they live.

Alan Davies:
Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Jo Brand:
No. No.

Stephen Fry:
No, not that joke. Why did the mushroom go to the party, Alan?

Alan Davies:
Cos he was a fungi. [The audience groans.] What's wrong with that joke, then?

Jo Brand:
That's a joke for, like, an imbecile. You know, like nought point seven years old.

Alan Davies:
What's brown and sticky?

Jo Brand:
Oh, no... I don't kn- yeah, I do...

Alan Davies:
A stick.

Jo Brand:
Yeah... [Exasperatedly puts her head down.]

Stephen Fry:
I'm worried by the audience reaction...

Alan Davies:
What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?

Jo Brand:
A stick.

Alan Davies:
A stick.

Stephen Fry:
Do you have any other jokes where the punchline's "a stick"?

Alan Davies:
Loads!

Stephen Fry:
Oh, right.

Alan Davies:
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?... A carrot.

Stephen Fry:
What's red and silly?... A blood clot. [The audience groans, Alan grimaces] Oh, don't look at me like that, you f***ing pig-eyed sack of shit! Don't you do that!

Alan Davies:
You've spoiled it. What's red and sits in the corner? A naughty strawberry.

[Discussing the potential benefits of time travel, such as witnessing historic moments or seeing yourself at a younger age]

Rich Hall:
I had a rolled-up ball of socks. And a hamper all the way across the room. And I just went like that … [imitates a casual throw] … right? Hits the wall, bounces off the ceiling, off this wall, back across that wall, right into the hamper. From, like, forty feet away. I would go back and watch that again.

Stephen Fry:
If I've got a mothball in this hand and a mothball in that hand, what have I got?

Alan Davies:
Two mothballs?

Stephen Fry:
No, a rather excited moth.

Stephen Fry:
In Britain in 1994, you might be interested to know, there were an astonishing range of accidents reported by the, erm … [deep breath] … Trade and Industries Consumer Safety Units Home Accidents Surveillance History Report. Eight people in the UK in '94 were injured by placemats. Thirteen sustained cruet injuries. Five were wounded by dustpans. Eight suffered as a result of a breadbin accident. Five were hurt by sieves. Fourteen fell foul of a serving trolley. Seventeen were treated for injuries caused by a draught excluder. Four hundred and seventy-six people were injured while on the lavatory … there you are. Underwear hurt eleven people.

Alan Davies:
How many of those people were drunk?

Stephen Fry:
Well, exactly. Or how many of them were sexually experimental?

[discussing the naked chef who won the only race of the first ancient Olympics]

Stephen Fry:
He, of course, won by a short head- no... After his final spurt- NO, shut up!

Stephen Fry:
What is bottomry?

Clive Anderson:
It's the opposite of topiary.

Stephen Fry:
What is the commonest material in the world?

Clive Anderson:
Jim Davidson's.

Clive Anderson:
Alan, even I can work out that when you know the answer, never give it, cos it's always the one they're hoping we'll say.

Sean Lock:
The huntsman spider is the only spider with lungs.

Alan Davies:
So you can get it a birthday cake with a candle on.

[On Larry LaPrise, the inventor of the Hokey Pokey]

Stephen Fry:
He died in 1996; what happened at his funeral?

Alan Davies:
Oh, it was terrible, they couldn't get him into his coffin.

Stephen Fry:
Why was that?

Alan Davies:
Well, they put the left leg in … Then the trouble started.

[On the subject of what music do spiders like]

Sean Lock:
They've got eight legs; they'd appreciate a one-man band.

[...]

Mark Gatiss:
Kylie Minogue

Stephen Fry:
Why's that?

Mark Gatiss:
Spinning Around

[...]

Sean Lock:
But I don't think spiders are that into puns.

Stephen:
Well, the answer to this question is, it does seem to be classical music. They did an experiment, er, and they found that ...

Mark:
Who are "they"? Who are "they"?

Stephen:
University of Ohio, in this instance, is "they". Or are "they".

Sean:
The University of F***-All-Else-Better-To-Do.

Linda:
Formerly the Polytechnic of F***-All-Else-To-Do.

Alan Davies:
I'm not as stupid as you think.

Stephen Fry:
No, you're not. You couldn't be.

Alan Davies:
What would your super power be of choice?

Stephen Fry:
Invisibility.

Alan Davies:
Really?

Stephen Fry:
Yeah, I think. Ah, it'd be great. What would you like?

Alan Davies:
I would like to have no bodily smell.

Rich Hall:
I would like to travel ahead in time, but only by two seconds. I could go 'gesundheit', and you [points at Stephen] would sneeze.

Stephen Fry:
Scientists have managed to create a big bar, a huge one ton metal bar, which is just a fraction of a degree above zero.

Phill Jupitus:
There's bound to be one scientist, that goes in with the big iron bar one day... [looks around, firmly presses tongue against table] ...Ohhh, not again.

[repeatedly, after having switched seats with Stephen]

Alan Davies:
...This question is for Stephen Fry.

Alan Davies:
Which way does water go down the plug-hole in the Northern Hemisphere?

Stephen Fry:
Any way you want it to. You can push to go one way or the other, I've tried it.

[Alan shuffles papers.]

Alan Davies:
[sighs disappointedly] … Yes, that's true.

Phill Jupitus:
"Stephen, what are you doing in that bathroom?" [as Stephen] "I'm pushing it to go one way, I'm pushing it to go the other, I'm the master … of the bathroom"!

Alan Davies:
This one for everyone... What kind of animal is sacred in India?

Stephen Fry:
(growled whisper): DO NOT SAY COW!

Stephen Fry:
DO NOT SAY COW!"

Phil Jupitus:
Is it a cow?

[Talking about Old Testament mythology.]

Alan Davies:
Why do people believe all this stuff, Stephen?

Stephen Fry:
Well, it's whether you agree with it or not-

Alan Davies:
Never mind televisions ruined Bhutan, this stuff is responsible for some serious aggravation in the world. And people believe it all, for God's sake! They do believe it all! Bronze age mythology, they believe it all.

Stephen Fry:
People believing in manna doesn't really upset me or anybody sensible as much as, say, than believing-

Alan Davies:
I don't eat meat, right? I don't eat meat, and someone actually said to me, someone who should remain nameless, really angrily: "Animals were put on earth for us to eat." What does he mean by that? Put by whom?

Stephen Fry:
That's silly. Off course that's silly.

Alan Davies:
I said: "You can eat one if you want, but don't shout at me about them being put there like it's some big toy farmyard." You are really clever, why do they believe it all? Can't they just go: "Bwooh, that was mad, I thought that was true for a minute." Why do people believe it?!

Stephen Fry:
Because they are foolish and ignorant and scared.

Alan Davies:
They need to believe it? Do they need to believe it?

Stephen Fry:
There is a distinction to be drawn between those who claim to have access to revealed truth and therefore claim to know what happens to us after we're dead on the basis of a text, whether it's a Quran or a Holy Bible.

Alan Davies:
But why do people believe them?

Stephen Fry:
Which is nonsensical. And if they want to believe it, they're fine, but they mustn't push it down our throats and they mustn't tell me whom I'm allowed to go to bed with and whom I'm not allowed to go to bed with. It's not acceptable. Anybody who tells me what happens after I'm dead is either a liar or a fool, because they don't know.

Alan Davies:
That is what I mean! I don't mind-

Stephen Fry:
The myth of the Jewish people having manna dropped on their heads, that doesn't actually matter. That's no more different - that's like Greek myth or any other myth, that's fine. It's when it gets to telling people how to behave is where we do draw the line.